Do you know the feeling of utter dread when something awful is about to happen, but it takes forever to come so the intensity of not knowing just keeps building and building till you feel you can't take it anymore, and then the fear of whatever might have happened is worse than the actual thing that was going to happen?
I am not an easily frightened person. I have no worries when it comes to needles, or spiders, or blood, or even dying, really. I'm not overly afraid of ghosts (if they exist) and bad guys in creepy movies only scare me if I really let them. Most of the time though, I can hold my ground, clench my teeth, or be otherwise unaffected.
Not lately. Lately, I've been flooded with all sorts of negative energy, that can overtake me any minute of the day, with no explanation at all. I may be under the its power for as long as the negative energy wills, or as long as I feed the energy. Which, I have not learned how to properly channel energy yet, so when the really strong positive energies come over me, I am the most cheerful, happy, and wonderfully contented person alive. And then... then when the less than merry energies come, they take me down with one blow. I feel like I am helpless. And it really stinks. (An understatement.)
It takes no thought to be angry, crabby, grouchy, impatient, unkind, selfish. But I have to try REALLY hard when I want to be loving, considerate, understanding, patient, kind, forgiving. Naturally, my mind springs into action when something bad happens or someone does something hurtful or rude to me. But when I genuinely want to take it all in stride, and respond gently - I can't.
I feel like my Chi is really out of balance. My love to my fellow man is out of whack. Knowledge of my shortcomings just makes me more edgy! They say you have to admit you're sick if you want to be made well, but when I think about how "sick" I am, I just get worse. So I blog. And listen to Enya. (It seems to help.)
Strangely enough, this morning/afternoon was really a high for me. I had upbeat music going, and I really got it in my head that I wanted my home to be a place of peace and good energy, so the atmosphere and my attitudes and actions needed to reflect that. To get a good vibe, the house needs to be clean, and have good things in it. I really tidied things up and it made me feel so very much at home - more than I've been in a long time. Both a blessing and a curse, I really "feel" things, people, places. I can sense energies when I walk into places, meet people, even eat foods. For the most part it is entertaining, and intriguing.
I feel entirely beat.. and I hate, hate, hate the feeling of being out of control. :-/ We'll see where this goes.. and how long it lasts. Anyway... I have a new form of energy heading my way. Compassionate energy. Someone needs me. I'm going now. (I love it when I can take the focus off my own miserable state and put it on someone else's. Obviously I had enough energy to make myself sick, so I'm going to redirect it to make this person feel better. THAT is one thing I do love about energy, positive and negative alike. You can redirect them.. but someplace within yourself -or without- you must have the willpower to do so.)
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. =/ I ended up getting to bed pretty late last night (after 1 am, which is REALLY late for me!), but God laid it heavily on my heart to stay up a little while longer and pray for you... and I now understand why.
ReplyDeleteWanna know what the first time that popped into my head when I read: "It takes no thought to be angry, crabby, grouchy, impatient, unkind, selfish. But I have to try REALLY hard when I want to be loving, considerate, understanding, patient, kind, forgiving."? (After thinking to myself how I have that problem, and I think we all do... ;)) We all have this problem, love. It's called "human nature". When Adam and Eve sinned, they more or less "downloaded" evil into the human race, and this tendency towards bad rather than good is all a part of that. And it's so strange that you brought this up, as I was just pondering this yesterday!
The other thing is that Satan does everything possible to inspire fear; God does not. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline." There have been times when I feel myself "gripped with fear", as they say (and I don't frighten easily!), but it's more anxiety... fear of the future or of not knowing. Are you familiar with spiritual warfare? I think you'd love it. We're all involved in it, whether we realize it or not. Jesus gave all of his disciples and his followers power - the power of/through the Holy Spirit - and he says that "whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven; whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." That's some pretty intense power! We have God's authority (through Jesus' death on the cross) and His power (though the Holy Spirit) to cast out demons, and even bind Satan (not once and for all - that won't come 'til the end - but in our lives and the lives of others we pray for).
So when fear or anxiety strike, the absolute best thing you can do is to claim Jesus' authority and power, declare Satan bound, in Jesus' name, and kick him and his demons to the curb. Or, better yet, have your husband pray for you; he's the spiritual leader in the home and can (and is called to) protect you. :)
I love you, dear... sorry for such a long comment, but I felt led to share this. <3